Idiot Guy's Guide to a Woman's Heart
by withallheartandsoul
Summary: Need help charming the girl of your dreams? Feel like you've got no chance in getting her attention? Having a hard time expressing your emotions? Well,your prayers have been answered! Presenting the "Idiot Guy's Guide to a Woman's Heart" by Jiraiya-sama. Even the most cold-blooded of assassins can become one of the hottest lady killers in town!
1. Chapter 1: The Crush

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This story is inspired by Jim Benton's "Love Bites".

A.N.: This story is dedicated to Yoni-chan who is currently living in New Zealand. Yoni-chan, I figured you could use a good laugh and stuff. Haha ) Enjoy! Please R&R. Thanks! Arigatou! Salamat!

_Need help charming the girl of your dreams? Feel like you've got no chance in getting her attention? Having a hard time expressing your emotions? _

_Well. Your prayers have been answered!_

_From the maker of "Tales of a Gutsy Ninja" and "Icha Icha Paradise" saga, comes this guide which helps fellow males to navigate around the twists and turns of romance. _

_Presenting the "Idiot Guy's Guide to a Woman's Heart" by Jiraiya-sama._

_This book is filled with fool-proof tips and techniques, which guarantee satisfactory results, each and every time, as proven by countless "researches" done by the pervy sage himself.! It also contains quizzes which help hone one's techniques._

_Even the most cold-blooded of assassins can become one of the hottest lady killers in town!_

_Well then. Ready? Get set. Go go go!_

"What's this, Kakashi-taichou?" asked Sai as he examined both the front cover and the prologue on the back of the book.

"Jiraiya-sama gave that book to me before he took off for his mission. It's an interesting read and I figured that it would interest you too. It might help you with your study about emotions." Kakashi said, along with that familiar eye crinkle.

"Arigatou gozaimasu." replied the pale artist.

"Well, I got to run. Hokage Tower. I'm definitely gonna get it now. Ja ne."

With a soft poof, the silver haired jonin disappeared, leaving the former Root member to his thoughts.

'He's late for a mission debriefing by two whole hours… Hmm…With Dickless, Ugly and Kakashi-taichou leaving on a mission today and Yamato-taichou busy with ANBU work, my schedule is practically wide open.' Sai thought. 'Might as well go home and read this to pass the time'.

After a ten minute walk from the training grounds to his apartment, he unceremoniously slumped on his couch and started reading his newly-acquired book.

So YOU have a crush…

What are you going to do about it?

'Well, I don't really have a crush or whatever they call it, right now. But I think this information would be really vital in the future'. Sai thought.

Chapter 1: THE CRUSH

_Getting people to focus on what's most important: __**YOU**_

'Aa… So desuka? All this time I thought that establishing bonds was the most important thing. I guess Dickless was wrong.'

**Tip #1: Let your new crush know that you're ****sincere**** and ****genuine****.**

'Just a bit further… I can see the village gates now…' Sakura thought.

Two weeks on an reconnaissance mission to Kumogakure was nowhere near pleasant. Team Kakashi could barely attend to personal essentials such as bathing and getting decent hours of sleep. Those damn rogue shinobi sure were persistent, much to the team's irritation. Despite this, vengeance was truly sweet as they "ripped those bastards apart, limb by limb", to quote Naruto.

"Ramen. So Hungry. Ramen. So Hungry. Ramen. So Hungry." whined Naruto.

With Kakashi donning an air of indifference and seeking solace in his Icha Icha Tactics, and Naruto's incessant whining, Sakura's patience quickly dissolved, until...

BAM!

"ITAI! What was that for Sakura-chan?" Naruto said while rubbing the now injured part of his head.

"Could you just shut up about your damn stomach for even just a second? We're almost there…"

"Demo, Sakura-chan…"

"ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOU AND I SWEAR TO KAMI-SAMA I'LL HIT YOU SO HARD YOU'D FORGET WHAT IT'S LIKE TO EAT SOLID FOOD! THAT MEANS NO MORE RAMEN, SHANNARO!"

Needless to say, this effectively shut up the black and orange clad shinobi. The silver haired jonin spared a glance at his two former students and grinned. 'They're growing up before my very eyes'.

After five minutes of pure silence, team Kakashi finally entered the vicinity of Konohagakure. Needless to say, all members of said three man cell were relieved to be home. No one bothered to say anything, as they slowly took everything in. What a beautiful morning in Konoha!

'It's great to be back.' they thought.

Finally breaking the silence, Kakashi said "Yosh, we still got some time. We'd better freshen up a bit before reporting to the Hokage. I have a feeling Tsunade-sama would kill us for dirtying up her office floor. Let's meet up at the Hokage tower entrance in one hour. Ja."

Said jonin disappeared in a matter of two seconds behind a cloud of smoke. Sakura had no protest against their team captain's proposal, but she knew deep inside the reason behind Kakashi's proposal.

'Liar! He just wants to get another Icha Icha book to read. Well, I don't blame him. Reading the same book over and over again for two weeks can get really boring.' Sakura mused.

As Sakura looked over to her left, "Oi Naru-"

"RAMEN, HERE I COME!"

The blond shinobi was already a good twenty meters away, running towards an all too familiar food stall.

Sakura sighed. 'I hope he remembers about the mission reporting later. Anyway, I better go home and shower. Ugh, I feel so gross.'

Upon nearing her apartment, she saw Sai leaning against her door, evidently waiting for her to arrive.

"Hi. Welcome back." the pale shinobi said with his signature smile

"Hello Sai! This is a surprise. How are you doing? What brings you here" Sakura smiled back. Though she was happy to see the other member of team Kakashi after two weeks, she couldn't help but wonder what was going on.

As she rummaged through her pockets to find her keys, Sai said "Well, there's something I need to tell you."

Before those words had even began to sink in, Sakura found herself pinned against her door, with Sai's arms preventing her from escaping.

Needless to say, this caught her by surprise. 'Nani? What the hell is going on here?' Sakura struggled to getaway but her exhausted body refused to respond in a way she wanted it to.

On the contrary, her face slowly grew red due to the closeness of their bodies. She could definitely feel the blood pounding in her ears. Her breaths came out uneven as she felt his breaths on her. The kunoichi looked up to find that she could not break eye contact with said shinobi.

'His eyes are filled with such drive and …wait… desire?'

Sai slowly drew his face closer to hers, and with the sexiest voice he could muster, he whispered…

"I **sincerely** want you to **genuinely** worship me…"

Two seconds later, the people of Konoha witnessed something black and pale fly across the sky and land unceremoniously near...

CRASH!

"Wha wus thaa?" Naruto said with his mouth full of his fifth bowl of ramen.

**Tip #2: Displaying your smart and sensitive side is a huge plus!**

After cleansing the dirt and her numerous frustrations, particularly towards a certain pale artist, away, she stepped out of the shower smelling like cherry blossoms in spring.

As she dried her hair, Sakura noticed a bouquet of roses on her bed. Her face donned a smile in a matter of milliseconds. 'How sweet. I wonder who sent them.' she thought as she picked the bouquet up and admire its wonderful scent. As if answering her question, a note fell from the bouquet. Sakura picked it up and read…

"Roses are red

Violets are blue

Your face's funny looking

But I think you'll do

-Sai"

Shikamaru was minding his usual business, namely cloud gazing in the training grounds. Out of nowhere, "What the-? Where the hell did this come from?" said the lazy genius as he held a bouquet of roses in his left hand and massaged his forehead with his right. "Tsk. Troublesome bouquet."

**Tip #3: Most important of all, tell your crush you think they're the best.**

'Great. This day just keeps getting better and better.' Sakura thought in a sarcastic note, as she rushed towards the Hokage tower. Ordinary bystanders were shocked to witness a red and pink blur mutter a long string of swear words, as it zoomed along the path. The two episodes involving Sai distracted her so much that she nearly forgot about the mission reporting.

As she approached the meeting place, Sakura saw two figures: one was tall and had spiky blond hair while the other was taller and had silver hair. 'Kuso. Even Kakashi-sensei got here before me. Kami-sama, what did I do to deserve this?' she miserably thought as she approached her team mates.

"Woah. Sakura-chan, I never thought you'd be late. Kakashi-sensei's lateness must be rubbing off you, huh?" Naruto grinned.

"Urusai! Ugh. Let's just get his over with." Sakura said while massaging her still pulsating vein on her temple. The peral-hued hair kunoichi them stormed off towards her shissou's office, leaving her teammates shocked at her behavior.

"Looks like someone's been having a rough morning." Kakashi said. Naruto just shrugged and proceeded to tell Kakashi about how Sai unexpectedly crash landed near Ichiraku while he was eating.

After a half hour of reporting to Tsunade-sama, team Kakashi was free to go. Kakashi poofed to a place Kami knows where doing Kami knows what. 'Most likely in his bedroom, reading more smutty "romance novels" and what not' the pinkette thought. Naruto left in a hurry, saying something in the lines of "Ramen. So Hungry. Hinata-chan. So Late. Kuso."

With nothing else planned for the rest of the day and a whole lot of training to do tomorrow, Konoha's Cherry Blossom decided to have a quick meal and get her well-deserved sleep. C'mon, two weeks on a mission with less than two hours of sleep everyday, no time for a decent bath and being on constant alert for any ambush attacks by enemy shinobi… and also, putting up with a hyperactive, stomach-minded baka and an often apathetic, porn-crazed former sensei… all these things can really stress a kunoichi out. Don't get her wrong. She loves and treats them as the family she used to have, as her parents died during a mission and being an only child left her to her own devices. But sometimes, she needed time and space to attend to her own personal needs.

And this is THAT time.

Upon entering her apartment, she noticed a rather large, rectangular package on her dining table. 'The surprises just don't stop now, do they?' Sakura sighed. However, curiosity got the better of her; thus, she decided to unwrap her "present".

"Wow." This was the only sound that escaped her lips as she stared awestruck at the beauty before her.

It was a painting. A portrait of herself, to be specific. In the painting, Sakura was portrayed as a white clad angel, admiring the sunrise while leaning against a vibrant cherry blossom tree on a green hill. It was truly breathtaking.

'Oh Kami-sama. I never thought Sai would ever make me a painting of myself, let alone spend time making a painting for me.' Sakura blushed, as she admired the details and vibrant colors of said painting. As she turned the painting over, to see if there's a message written behind it, Sakura thought 'I guess he's trying to make up for what he did before…'

"I think you're the best I can do… for now -Sai"

Or Not.

"Ano, Naruto-kun, I really enjoyed our lunch date." Hinata said while fumbling with her fingers.

"Me too, Hinata-chan." Naruto smiled.

"Well, I better get going now. I've got training with Kiba-kun and Shino-kun." said the pearl-eyed girl with a slight blush tinting her cheeks.

"Hai. I'll see you around then." As Naruto leaned closer to peck Hinata on the cheek, BAM!

"Aaaah! Naruto-kun! Are you ok? Hang in there. Naruto-kun!" panicked the Hyuuga heiress .

"One miso ramen with extra toppings-ttebayo." Naruto deliriously said, due to what seemed like a painting falling from the sky and nailing him right in the face.

A.N.: Poor Sai, Naruto and Shikamaru. Haha :D Please R&R! Those who do will be specially mentioned in the future chapters. Thanks! :D


	2. Chapter 2: Quiz Time!

Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine.

A.N.: Please R&R. Thanks! Arigatou! Salamat! Haha )

Chapter 2: QUIZ TIME!

The question is: **"What's the very best gift to give your crush in this stage of your relationship?"**

A.) A box of candy, where each and every individual chocolate pieces was gently kissed by you

'I think I'd end up eating them, rather than giving them to her…' thought Sai

B.) A bouquet of long-stemmed roses, stolen from someone else's bouquet

'As I recall, I have already given her this… I do not think she'd want the same thing twice' the pale artist pondered.

C.) A cute little stuffed animal, where you have passionately made out with the toy and named it after the recipient

'Hmm… interesting. I have a feeling she'd enjoy this one. It's going to be named after her, after all. Now to find a stuffed monster that looks like her.' he smiled.

Answer: All of there are great answers, as long as you never lose sight of the reason to give a gift: _to get something in return._


	3. Chapter 3: Stalking

A.N.: Thank you for the reviews! I super love them! Haha Which is why, I am dedicating this chapter to you guys. Pardon the 2 year hiatus from writing. I had to graduate from college and pass the board exams. But anyway, Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I obviously do not own Naruto.

"What the hell is this supposed to be?" Sakura said as she gingerly held up what appeared to be a grotesque, bright fuchsia and neon orange, one-eyed, three legged unicorn sitting near the foot of her bed; for fear that it might be a booby trap set up by enemy shinobi.

The 6:00 am alarm did its job of rousing her, but the stuffed thing was way more effective in rendering her wide awake. But her fears dissipated as she read the card attached to said monstrosity.

"_To Sakura, This is to make up for the misunderstanding before. Well, here you go...From Sai"_

It had been two weeks since the failed pick up line/bouquet/painting incident. And this was the first time Sai reached out to Sakura since. Sakura had tried to get a hold of Sai for few days, yet she learned from Tsunade-sama that Sai was given a two week ANBU assignment in Iwa after said incident.

Sakura yawned and placed said monstrosity on her shelf, in such a way that it would be "put on display" so to speak, but is hidden by her other more tasteful stuffed animals. Definitely a pretty weird start for a new week.

Her morning routine would consist of choosing what clothes and underwear to wear, taking a shower, applying her favorite strawberries and cream lotion, getting dressed, drying and combing her short pink hair, and preparing her favorite breakfast of bacon, toast and black coffee.

"Ugh Monday. Hospital duty. So, I guess it's red bra and boy shorts for today."

"Kuso. Forgot to buy bacon. Need to get more lotion, bread and coffee too." The petal haired girl thought out loud as she ate her breakfast of toast and black coffee.

After breakfast, she quickly set out for the hospital. The last thing she wanted was to let a patient die due to her tardiness. And her timing was impeccable as her day consisted of major operations on three ANBU members who came from their assignment in Iwa. Apparently, the resolution of the rift between Konoha and Iwa is not completely settled among some of the Iwa shinobi. This then lead to an ambush and confrontation by both parties.

Needless to say, the aftermath of the fight necessitated Sakura to utilize almost all of her chakra reserves. This was the downside to being a top medical ninja, furthermore the Godaime's apprentice; you are always given the tough cases. After fixing a total of 20 broken ribs, fractured collarbones and skulls, ruptured abdominal muscles, 5 broken arms, dislocated joints, massive internal hemorrhage, and various cuts, burns and bruises, in operations spanning 18 hours, Sakura wanted nothing more than to go home and sleep.

Mustering all her remaining chakra into a teleportation jutsu, she teleported right onto the thing she missed the most: her bed. She fell into deep sleep faster than saying "Good night".

_You've flirted a little, you've coughed up a gift._

_Now it's time to get to know your *insert-ridiculously-mushy-pet-name-here*_

_Chapter 3: STALKING_

_Or as I'd like to call "RESEARCH"_

_It's just like when two people in love go for a long walk… except one of them is unaware of the other's presence and that they are being followed._

The feeling of waking up in the morning sporting a hangover from downing 10 bottles of sake, 2 cases of beer and "Kami-knows-how-many" tequila shots is nothing compared to the feeling of waking up in the morning sporting a hangover from utilizing almost all your chakra reserves. Being a medical ninja, this feeling is best understood by Sakura. After yesterday's grueling ordeal, all she wanted to do was lie in bed all day so she could check up on her patients later that night. But all thoughts of having a well deserved rest immediately went out the window when…

*Sniff sniff* "Hmmm… I must be dreaming already... I smell something delicious coming from the kitche.… WHAT THE!"

Despite her exhausted state, adrenaline managed to kick in; she rushed to the kitchen to find…

"Eh? Sai? In my apron?"

"Oh. Sakura. Ohayou." Sai said while transferring food onto a plate, while wearing her pink frilly apron.

"You're in my house! How did you get into my house?! And breakfast?! You're cooking breakfast?! In my apron! What the…" Sakura rambled in pure disbelief.

"Well, it's 6:05am. People usually have breakfast at this time of the day. I just made you breakfast even with this broken arm. You could at least say thank you" said Sai in a matter-of-fact tone, with a smile. Sai then proceeded to get something out of the toaster and place it on the same plate.

Sakura smiled 'He's getting better with the smiling thing, I admit.. wait.. broken arm?'

True enough, hidden by the frilly apron was his left arm encased in a cast. Good thing Sai is right handed. Also, she had failed to notice the bandages on his face, his unbroken arm, his torso and his legs.

"Are you just going to stand there and ramble on like a lunatic or are you going to have breakfast?" Sai said while serving breakfast. Sakura sat down and it finally registered what Sai prepared. Bacon. Toast. Black Coffee.

"Wow this looks delicious. But how did yo-"

"I was just in the neighborhood. Just a friend stopping by to see how you were doing. Oh yeah, you left your door open. " said Sai as he took a bite of the toast. Sakura proceeded to take a sip of her coffee.

"Hehe.. I guess I'm getting clumsier and clumsier by the day…" Sakura said while scratching her head.

'But if I remember correctly, I telepo-'

"Yes you are, ugly."

"Nani?!" As Sai was speaking, five veins managed to pop immediately on Sakura's forehead. Her grip on the coffee mug was getting tighter and tighter.

"By the way, you should buy more food. It's not good to starve yourself. And you should really change your clothes after every shift. They're as red as your boy short undies."

"TEME!" Sakura threw the coffee mug on the wall and got up to beat the living crap out of Sai, regardless of his injuries or her exhausted state.

"Uh oh" Sensing impending danger, Sai grabbed something from his pouch. "Here. Catch!" Thanks to her shinobi reflexes, she caught the "thing" with ease. She looked to Sai but with an ink swirl, he was gone.

She inspected that "thing" he threw and could not believe what she was holding. Strawberries and cream lotion.

**Tip # 4: Is stalking as bad as it sounds? No way! I mean, they are in **_**your **_**thoughts. You are in**_** their **_**bushes. It's pretty much evened out, don't you think?**

Sai breathed out a sigh of relief upon getting back to his apartment, safe and sound. He was the luckiest one in the 4 man cell, as his injuries, which consisted of a broken left arm, muscle soreness, and various scratches and bruises, were relatively lighter than his team mates. Despite that, he did not want to gain any more injuries, especially those induced by a certain pink haired kunoichi.

"Ok. That went well…"

As Sai laid on his bed, he let his mind drift to entertain certain memories …

"Yosh. If there are no more questions regarding your ANBU assignment, you may go". Tsunade-sama said.

Sai and the other three shinobi left the Hokage's office. As they were exiting the Hokage Tower…

"YOSH! IF I LOSE THE SPAR, I WILL RUN 1000 LAPS AROUND KONOHA ON ONE HAND. BUT IF I WIN, I GET TO ASK SAKURA-SAN OUT ON A DATE! TWO WEEKS FROM NOW!" Rock Lee exclaimed with passion-filled eyes.

"That was really unnecessary, Lee. And why two weeks from now? Why not tomorrow?" Neji said

"Because, my youthful friend, I don't have enough money right now" Lee said as he struck the "nice guy" pose.

Neji deadpanned.

"Just kidding. Two weeks from now is my scheduled physical exam. I'm gonna ask her then" Lee said.

Neji and Rock Lee proceeded to their usual training ground, to spar.

**Tip #5: Also, stalking is a good way to protect them from danger. Like the danger of meeting somebody way way waaaay better than you.**

Sai got up and proceeded to write his mission report.

Meanwhile on the way to the hospital…

"YOSH! TODAY IS THE DAY I WOULD ASK DEAR SAKURA-SAN OUT! I WILL MAKE YOU PROUD, GAI-SENSEI!" Lee exclaimed to no one in particular, amongst a crowd of startled and confused civilians. Upon reaching the hospital, Rock Lee busted down the double doors and approached the front desk. "I am here to see Haruno Sakura-san for my annual physical examination" Lee said while rocking the nice guy pose.

"Ok then. Take a seat and we will call you once Haruno Sakura is ready for you." said the receptionist.

"Hai." Lee took a seat near the door of the clinic. 'Yosh. So far, so good. I will certainly make Gai-sensei proud that I am not wasting my youth. Sakura-san will surely be dazzled by my youthfulness'

Out of nowhere, a masked shinobi appeared before Lee and said "Rock Lee, you are being summoned to the Godaime Hokage's office immediately". In a blink of an eye, the masked shinobi was gone.

"I guess my date with Sakura-san will have to wait. There's something out there so urgent that it requires the expertise of Konoha's beautiful green wild beast". In a blink of an eye, he was off to the Godaime's office.

Right as Lee exited the hospital door, another door opened. "Right. Let's get this physical examination over wi… Eh? Lee-san?" said Sakura. "Now where did he go? I could have sworn I heard him outside." Sakura looked all over the lobby for Lee and even asked a male janitor to check if he was in the rest room. "Oh well. No choice but to reschedule his physical exam." Sakura shrugged. 'This is certainly shaping up to be a very weird day'

**Tip #6: In other words, stalking is just another way of saying "I love you so much that I'm willing to invade your privacy to prove it".**

Since Lee was a no-show at his physical examination, Sakura decided to make early rounds on her patients. The three ANBU she had operated were at the Intensive Care Unit. All three were attached to life support machines. Though none of the three had regained consciousness yet, no one displayed problems or signs of complications.

With all her tasks for the day accomplished, Sakura ended her shift and segued to the supermarket before going home. Despite Sai being weird, intrusive and annoying, he did have a point that she had no more food at home.

Needless to say all day, it baffled her as to how Sai knew about her morning routine, with emphasis on the **specifics** of her morning routine. 'How in Kami's name did he know about them? Especially my underwear' Sakura mused as she paid for her groceries. When she arrived home, she checked if someone tampered with the locks on her door. Seeing as there were none, she went in and made sure that the door was really locked this time. "Tadaima." she said to no one. Old habits are hard to break.

After putting away the groceries, eating dinner and cleaning up, she went into her bed room. At the corner of her eye, she saw that stuffed monstrosity Sai had given her. She got it and laid on her bed, examining the stuffed thing.

"Man, you sure are a scary looking thing" Sakura said

"You sure do have a habit of talking to yourself out loud, ugly" said a voice.

"WHAT THE HELL!" In a jolt, Sakura threw the stuffed toy across the room. The moment it made contact with the floor, some weird static feedback sound seemed to emanate from the stuffed toy. The voice coming from the stuffed toy sounded strangely familiar, so she dared to ask "SAI IS THAT YOU?" with her heart still pounding loudly in her ears.

"Hmm.. maybe. "I wouldn't go this far for just anyone, babe."

'Babe?!' Three veins managed to pop on her forehead.

"Although it was pretty amusing to hear you decide between the pink and brown g-string, black and purple bikini and white lace panties a while ago."

"SAI! TEME! I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!"

As Lee's team camped out for the night, somewhere halfway across the Land of Fire, his thoughts drifted to earlier events…

"Rock Lee, you have been specifically recommended to be a part of this 4 man cell due to your proficiency in Taijutsu. Based on a mission report I have just received from one of the ANBU, the Iwa shinobi they have encountered utilize jutsu that nullifies the effect of any form of ninjutsu and genjutsu. Your mission is to neutralize the threat these said Iwa shinobi pose. Any more grievances may destroy the potentially fruitful alliance of Konoha with Iwa. This may take about 2-3 weeks, depending on the severity of the threat. If there are no more questions, you are all dismissed."

"SAKURA-SAN! I SWEAR ON MY LIFE THAT I WILL ACCOMPLISH THIS MISSION AS FAST AS POSSIBLE SO THAT I COULD ASK YOU ON A DATE AND DAZZLE YOU WITH MY YOUTHFULNESS!" Lee yelled to practically the entire forest.

Out of nowhere, something hit Lee on the head. It was a grotesque, bright fuchsia and neon orange, one-eyed, three legged unicorn.

"Oh! Perhaps Sakura-san would appreciate this as a token of my love!"

A.N: Please R&R. Thanks! :D


	4. Chapter 4: Quiz Time!

Disclamer: Naruto is not mine. Please R&R. Thanks! Salamat! Arigatou! :D

Chapter 4: QUIZ TIME!

Congratulations! You've now leveled up your relationship status from stalker to soul mate! Good job!

The next question is: **"So now you've found your soul mate. What's the perfect next move?"  
**

A.) Promise to stop "researching". (And for Kami's sake, try to sound like you mean it!)

'I could do that; spying on her is too much work'

B.) Stop the "I-just-happened-to-be-in-the-neighborhood-and-felt-like-swinging-by-act" at 3:00 in the morning. Most agree that crazy should not start much before 6:00 A.M.

'Hmmm… so I'm doing it right then by "swinging by" her place at 6:01 am"

C.) Buy another gift. Everybody knows that gifts are really pretty much the exact same thing as love.

'Is that so? I guess I still have a very long way to go, huh? Dickless really was wrong about the whole "creating bonds" and stuff" the pale artist pondered.

Answer: Every single one of these answers is right! Isn't love easy?

A.N I'm not bashing Naruto-kun or anything, but it's just so fun to poke at Sai's current lack of interpersonal relationship skills. But I know that he's getting better at it… sort of.. Haha Please R&R.


	5. Chapter 5: Let The Love Flow

AN: Thank you for all the reviews! Especially from the following awesome people: **Darkwolf5005, Tinselplease, sakulea, NaginiFay, Ame-uta, Mango To The Max, Dragon'sHost, al2010, paulinaghost, GeneralCuster, Mantis, Nixieneo, troublesome22, RainingSprinklesDownMyThroat **

I love you all this *extending arms to fullest extent* big. Ya'll did wonders for my self-esteem. Haha. You rock my socks! Free cookies for everyone! Cookie Shower! Please keep on reviewing! :D

Disclaimer: I obviously do NOT own Naruto

_Now that all your charm has worked its magic, you're ready to…_

_Chapter 5: LET THE LOVE FLOW_

_Love is like catsup in a glass catsup bottle. You have to spank it on the ass many times in order to make the thick, sweet lovin' flow._

It was a lovely morning in Konoha. The sun was shining. Birds were singing. Children were playing.

Sai slowly opened his eyes to find… 'Eh? This ceiling… and *sniff sniff* wait, this smell… How the hell did I get here?' thought Sai.

His entire shinobi career made him acquainted with a certain environment known as the Konoha Hospital. 'There's no mistaking that white ceiling and the strong antiseptic smell.' thought Sai. Sai tried to get out of bed.

"ITAI!"

The pain coursed throughout his body was so strong that it broke his usual emotionless demeanor.

He looked down. He saw that along with his already broken left arm, his legs were in a cast and his chest was heavily wrapped in bandages. Using his uninjured hand, he touched his head and felt that a significant part of it was bandaged. "Ouch!"

Trying to ignore the piercing pain in various body parts, he closed his eyes and tried to recall how the hell he got himself into this predicament.

It was a week after Sai pulled off the "I-happened-to-be-in-the-neighborhood-and-decided-to-check-up-on-you-as- an-excuse-to-stalk-you" stunt. Sakura has not seen nor heard from that pale skinned artist in a while. With the stress and sheer craziness involving a medical ninja's life and being the Godaime's apprentice, she forgot that episode until that morning, 6 am right on the dot.

Sakura woke up to find Sai in the kitchen, clad in her frilly pink apron, setting up the table for breakfast.

'Woah. De ja vu much'

"Ohayo" greeted Sai with his usual smile as he set down the food.

"What are you doing here?"

"Sit. Eat. Or the food's gonna get cold"

She looked on the table and was mildly impressed by what she saw. Bacon omelette. French toast. Black coffee.

But what intrigued her most was the catsup-written message on the bacon omelette.

"Gomenasai." Sakura read.

Sakura smiled at Sai and said "Apology accepted. Provided that you teach me how to cook these things."

"Hai." Sai said.

This arrangement went on for the next few days. Not only did he teach her how to make omelettes and French toast, everyday he would introduce a new dish for her to try. Poached eggs. Chocolate rice porridge. Grilled cheese sandwiches. Garden Fritatta. Fruit salad.

"Eh?! No way! You don't know how to make onigiri?!" teased Sai

"Urusai!" shouted Sakura.

"You're burning the cheese!" exclaimed Sai

"I know what I'm doing..Shannaro! " said Sakura 'I think' she added.

Before she knew it, she learned to make a lot of recipes, which would make her parents in Heaven proud. Finally her diet had become more varied and healthier.

Though they were comfortable with each other's presence as they work together in Team Kakashi, throughout the course of her "cooking lessons", Sakura started to open up more to Sai. Not before long, Sakura unconsciously looks forward to these "cooking lessons" so that she could vent out her frustrations and other miscellaneous thoughts to Sai. Sai would likewise respond with a "Hn", "Aa", "Aa sou ka" and the like, to show that he was listening.

One morning…

As Sakura prepared the ingredients, she automatically began to rant to Sai.

"Shannaro! For the love of Kami-sama! Tsunade-shissou is working me to the bone! She's making me do all the reports in the hospital. Not to mention that this week alone, I did 20 major surgeries! Not five. Not ten. But twenty! But thank Kami those three, you know, the ones on your ANBU team, are making good progress. *Sigh* Konoha is sure getting a lot of high rank missions these days. Shannaro! We send them out strong and healthy and we get them back beaten to an inch of their goddamn lives! Don't get me wrong. I love being a medical shinobi, but Kami knows I need a break. And Ino-pig keeps going on about how I let myself go physically and how I should clean up so I could have a decent chance to snag a decent guy. I mean, I'm quite aware of how I look, ne?"

"Cute".

"Yeah, I know ri-… What did you say?!" Sakura said as her head whiplashed towards Sai so fast that it nearly broke her neck.

**Tip #7: Always tell your beloved how cute they are.**

**Tip #8: Show that you care**

"It's cute how you think I'm listening and think I care about whatever nonsense you're saying. And It worries me that you are such a stupid, ugly bitch." 

"TEME! DIE! SHANNARO!"

Knock. Knock.

"Sorry for the intrusion. I'm coming in. Time for your afternoon check-up"

His train of thought was broken by the sudden intrusion.

"Hai. Eh? Ugly?"

True enough, five veins immediately popped into her head and chakra surged into her tightly clenched fists, nearly breaking Sai's medical charts.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, TEME?!"

"Uhm nothing…i.. uhm…I… " Sai gulped as he racked his brains for something to say, to pacify the raging monster named Haruno Sakura.

**Tip #9: Let your beloved know that your feelings run deep**

"I miss you"

And just like that, Sakura's jaw and Sai's medical charts hit the floor. Her eyebrows shot up to the ceiling. And for what seemed like an eternity (but in reality was only 3 seconds), she stared at Sai as if he were a ghost.

"I miss you so much when we're apart. Maybe we should be apart more often"

"SAI-TEME!"

"As their tongues clashed for dominance, his hands skillfully caressed her breasts, which earned a surprised and seductive moan from his mysterious lover. His hands then traveled lower to the waistband of her panties. He slowly tugged them down. And behold in front of him in all its wondrous, feminine glory…"

BAM!

"What the hell was that?!" Kakashi exclaimed as he closed his Icha Icha Tactics book and revealed his Sharingan.

The dust cleared, revealing the intruder to be...

"Eh? Sai?"

AN: Please R&R. I shall give a shout out to those who would review! Thank you :D


	6. Chapter 6: Quiz Time!

Disclaimer: I obviously do NOT own Naruto

_Chapter 6: QUIZ TIME!_

_Now, "what's the very best nickname to call your true love at this stage of your relationship?"_

_A.) Ugly_

'Definitely appropriate but not original… hmmm"

_B.) Pinky_

'Used by too many people already. And too cliché'

_C.) Weak, annoying, bipolar, flat-chested monster girl_

'Perfect! Will note this down for future use'

_Answer: All above are great choices, but if you say more than one at once, not only would innocent bystanders become sick in their own mouths, you'd instantly earn yourself a complimentary (and perhaps indefinite) stay in the Konoha ICU._

AN: Please R&R. Thank you :D


	7. Chapter 7: Fun And Games

Disclaimer: I obviously do NOT own Naruto

Chapter 7: FUN AND GAMES

_The terrific thing about love is that so many great games have been invented as a result. Here are a few you'll enjoy whether you want to or not._

**Game #1: "No, You Hang Up"**

_Why end a call like a normal human being when you can indulge in the enjoyable sport of arguing about who should hang up first?_

"Bye."

"_Bye."_

"Hang up."

"_You hang up."_

"No, you hang up."

"_No, you hang up."_

"No, you hang up."

"_No, you hang up"_

"No, you hang up."

_Isn't it great? It can go on for hours!_

**Game #2: "Hey, Let's Fight!"**

_It's easy to play and even easier to win!_

_Simply be the first to ask a question the other person won't be able to answer without causing a huge argument._

_Examples are:_

"_Who do you think has gotten fatter than when we first met?"_

"_If we broke up, who among our friends would you date?"_

"_Who do you think gave more gifts to the other?"_

"_If we broke up and you hooked up with anyone in this room, who would it be and why?"_

"_Which one of us loves the other one more?"_

**Game #3: "What's Wrong? Nothing"**

_You can play for just a few minutes, hours, or even weeks on end! The rules are easy and simple._

"What's wrong?"

"_Nothing."_

"What's wrong?"

"_Nothing."_

"What's wrong?"

"_Nothing."_

"What's wrong?"

"_Nothing."_

"What's wrong?"

"_Nothing."_

'Hmm.. interesting… must try these.."

AN: Please R&R. Thank you :D


	8. Chapter 8: The Unrelenting Daily Grind

Disclaimer: I obviously do NOT own Naruto.

"P-please hang in t-hhere! D-don't y-you dar-re *sniff* close your e-eyes! PLEASE!"

She failed to disguise the building panic in her voice.

A few teardrops managed to escape her green eyes and dripped down onto his already pale skin. His already pale skin that grew paler as more blood gushed from his numerous wounds. As a medical ninja, she knew that with all the injuries he had and with the little chakra reservoir she had left, there was nothing more she could do.

Summoning his last bit of strength, he reached his hand out, cupping her face and wiping away her tears with his thumb.

"G-g-go-me-n. A-a-aishi-t-te-ru"

As those syllables left his lips, so did the light in his eyes.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *sniff* *sniff* I can't believe it! Just when he FINALLY confessed to her!" Sakura exclaimed as she dried her tears with a tissue.

As the credits of "A Shinobi Love Story" rolled, Sakura cleared the coffee table of the used tissues and proceeded to the kitchen to get some strawberry ice cream.

There's nothing better than some good ol' ice cream comfort after an "Admit-one-only-drama-movie-night".

__

Now that you are "_**OFFICIALLY**__" going out, you can finally enjoy…_

_Chapter 8: THE UNRELENTING DAILY GRIND OF "PURE LOVE"_

_As long as __**YOU **__establish that you and your significant other are "in a relationship", it is__** OFFICIAL…**__ even if your significant other may not approve or even know that you two are already in a relationship._

_It's __**YOU **__in the relationship, after all._

Many months have passed. Hospital life is as crazy as ever. But that's no surprise, being in a shinobi village. But what's as crazy as hospital life, or sometimes even more so, is Sakura's love life.

As Sakura slowly took comfort with every spoonful of strawberry ice cream, she could not help but ponder about the craziness that has happened to her lately.

Munch. The moment Rock Lee returned to Konoha after finishing his mission at Iwa, one cry filled the air: "SAKURA-SAN! I PRESENT YOU WITH THIS DAZZLING STUFFED TOY AS A TOKEN OF MY YOUTHFUL LOVE AND DEVOTION. PLEASE GO OUT WITH M-"

BAM!

Munch. 'I guess I should apologize to Lee. I meant to hit that thing! BUT HOW IN THE HELL DID HE GET THAT THING?! Too bad I didn't break my old long distance punch record with Naruto though.' Sakura thought as she savored the pure strawberry flavor.

Munch. In hospital life, you have good days, shitty days, and "God-why-have-you-forsaken-me-awful-I-wanna-frikin-die" days. For Sakura, it was the last one.

Three patients from the psychiatric ward managed to escape and Sakura had to capture them all by herself. One patient threw pee at her. Another started pulling her hair. The last one bit her. Also, while administering vaccination, a baby puked on her. Sakura got kicked in the face by a woman whom Sakura was helping deliver her baby. Tsunade started throwing a drunken fit about Shizune hiding her sake (which in reality was consumed entirely by Tsunade). Sakura had to go to the store (without getting to freshen up) to buy her Shissou's sake. Imagine all the looks she got from the people inside and outside the store. All this happened before a certain appointment she personally dreaded.

Munch. After months of being confined in a upgraded full body cast, Sai could finally say goodbye to the cast forever… or until he gets seriously injured again. A certain pink haired medic was tasked to remove the said cast.

Munch. "What's wrong?" Sai asked

"_Nothing."_ Sakura answered

What's wrong?"

"_Nothing."_

What's wrong?"

"_Nothing."_

Munch. Three veins automatically popped onto her forehead "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT TEME?!"

"You."

Two things hit the ground almost simultaneously: her jaw and the instrument used in removing the cast.

****

Tip #10: Show that you are always concerned and interested in your partner.

**Tip #11: Be open and transparent with your partner.**

Munch. "I'm interested in you. Also I'm concerned about you."

The said instrument Sakura had dropped was relatively expensive. Yet, she did not move to pick it up as sheer shock rooted her to her place. Silence took over the clinic for about 10 seconds. She tried to break the silence but the pale artist beat her right to it.

Munch. "I'm interested in you because you suck at everything. You always have and you always will. You even preemptively suck at things that haven't been invented yet. By the way, I'm concerned that you look like shit. You know, there are things called MIRRORS, COMBS and MAKE UP. I know you're ugly, but I didn't know you were stupid too! See that? I'm being open and transparent with you. "

"Eh?! What was that asshole?!" The shock left as quickly as it came and without her realizing, hands became fists.

"Don't feel bad. I still haven't found your replacement, ugly. We are still in a relationship. " Sai said with a smile.

****

Tip #12: Spot each other's subtle signals.

Munch. "Are you mad at me, ugly?"

Sakura smiled a sinister smile.

BAM!

Munch. Her hand crushed the now empty ice cream carton. She threw the said carton into the trash can and washed her hands clean.

"GREAT! JUST FUCKING GREAT! NOW I OWE TSUNADE 5 MONTHS SALARY! SHANNARO!"

Speaking of Tsunade…

"TEME! YOU ARE GONNA PAY ME FOR THE DAMAGED SAKE… I MEAN ROOF AND CEILING! BUT FIRST, CLEAN UP THIS MESS!" a drunken Tsunade scolded a re-injured Sai.

The only thing scarier than an angry Hokage is a drunk, angry Hokage.

AN: Please R&R. Thank you to all who have read, reviewed, "favorited" and followed this story. It seems like "Idiot Guy's Guide to a Woman's Heart" would be the last Narutoverse-based story I am going to write, seeing as I have jumped ship onto another anime/manga series. But don't worry. This story will see an ending. So stay tuned! :D

SHOUT OUT TO: **evil-angel-sakura, Guest (make an account dude! It won't kill you, I swear haha), The Fujoshi, honeyvonbunny, love diva100, FallenAngelBloodyTears, golden lily anime girl, ddjanie.007, DojomistressAmbyChan, Azreal Ezra, divprince, Art of Harmony, MichiyoYuki, urghles.. and the rest who I forgot to mention. **Bad me, bad me. I shower you all with all the love, cake and alcoholic drinks in the world. CAKE SHOWER! BOTTOMS UP!


	9. Chapter 9: Quiz Time!

Chapter 9: QUIZ TIME!

_Okaaaay. So things are a little bit shaky. Question is "What now?"_

A.) Pretend everything is okay and don't listen to anybody who says otherwise. (Practice this: la la la la la la I can't hear you la la la la")

"La la la la la"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SINGING ABOUT?! GET BACK TO WORK!"

"Hai, Godaime-sama."

"Man, I need a drink"

B.) Ask your partner if they have any friends that are as cute as they are , but _way _less irritating .

"Hmmm.. let's see..

Ino – uglier than Sakura, and definitely more irritating

Hinata – obviously likes Dickless, but Dickless does not seem to notice

Ten ten – who?"

C.) Well, I don't know. What do people do with old stinky bitches when they start to get shaky?

Answer: This depends. If you're gross, you can't be that picky. You might have to repair this relationship. But if you're really hot. You might be entitled to expect something better.

"THAT'S IT! SINCE I AM DEFINITELY NOT GROSS, I CAN BE PICKY! BESIDES, I DESERVE SOMETHING BETTER! THAT'S BECAUSE I'M REALLY HOT!"

AN: Please R&R. Proceeds will go to the "Needy People like ME" Foundation, where you will help out needy people like me! Haha. Donate to the cause! Read and Review!


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